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An Interview vith Zenka - the vonderful STAR of the block-buster "Zenka" (You vill be big

Hello darlinks,

I am Zenka, the fabulous star of ZENKA.

Linda of Linda's Book Bag told Alison to write about me. Vy? Vy should Alison do this? It is ME who must write about ME. And this is vat I do now.

I tell you. From beginning Alison make big mistakes. She has me as tiny voman in background, but I don’t like that and I tell her.

So she make me a little bigger. But still it is not enough! How can she be so stupid? I am first class character vith sexy body. I drill and drill into her head until she groans, sits heavily on chair in front of computer, opens up Flesh and Blood (that vas the title then) and re-writes book.

After she has done that, I tell her Flesh and Blood is bad title. She must call it ZENKA!!! She changes title to ZENKA (although she does not put in exclamation marks - vich is a pity).

Then she must design cover. She vants me walking down London street with my BACK to camera. And the colour is sepia (that means colour of old tea-bag)). I am not sepia person. I vant orange! I vant black! I vant a gun in my hand. And I vant the vorld to see Zenka Valentina Varga’s beautiful face!

Alison thought that vas the end of me. Ha!

She goes on holiday to Barcelona. She is lying on beach, vanting to empty brain, thankful to have finished book. Then POW I pop into her head. I tell her to change the final chapter of the story. She doesn't want to. She wants me to go away. But then she starts thinking about my idea, and knows it is brilliant idea. She needs to write urgently and not finding pen in bag, grabs the vaiter by his ankle as he hurries by vith tray of mojitos and takes his pen. Her husband, Barry, says to forget that bloody book.

Forget that bloody book! He is imbecile. And he vers yellow socks. What sort of REAL man vers yellow socks, huh?

So, Alison gets home after holiday and changes final chapter. Now I am happy. Alison is not happy. She has to write to 40 book blaggers to tell them to delete last book she sent and replace vith new one.

Alison, I leave you in peace ... for now. And remember, you think you know me, but you will never know me.



This article first appeared on Linda's Book Bag in 2017.

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